Intimacy

Over the past few months, quite a number of friends have asked me to try dating sites – to meet new people and hopefully forget about an old love. Exasperated, I decided to sign up for one – hoping that being able to tell them that I have tried would get them off my case.

A simple bio and a picture of a heavily tattooed anime girl were what I had used for my profile – yet within a day of approval, I’ve received three separate chats requesting for my number. Well, I suppose that not many like to chat on the app itself since the app would store your data on its server. However, I was surprised when I kept getting offered sex – even a threesome at one point – since I never initiated a chat nor had actually participated with one for more than 5 mins.  Continue reading “Intimacy”

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Hello ~ How are You?

Credit: http://p.fod4.com/p/media/15622856b6/blJcJsQKQjGARx7rLGQg_Whale%20Hello.gif
Credit: http://p.fod4.com/p/media/15622856b6/blJcJsQKQjGARx7rLGQg_Whale%20Hello.gif

 

I’m going to start off by asking a very simple question.

When was the last time you asked someone “How are You?” and were genuinely interested to know the answer? Do you remember? 

 

The pace of the outside world is something we can never catch up to no matter how hard we try. The world has been made such that if we mirror out lives to the majority out there, we’ll never find peace; we’ll never fulfill out wishes. We would keep wanting more, dissatisfied with what we have in our hands. Continue reading “Hello ~ How are You?”

The Parody of Death

I have come to realise that most people treat living and dying like some sort of parody. The drama that they put on for a show at the funeral rarely matches their attitude towards the recently departed in real life.

 

Someone close to me used to hoard things that belonged to her mother, for she had the misconception that her hoarding was akin to a declaration of love (in which she feels by doing so shows that love still exists for her mother). Yet, when the person is still alive, they rarely pay attention to them. When her mother was alive, they were often at odds with each other. She rarely visited her mother except on moments that she needed some sort of assistance from her parents.

Kids often think that their parents are a nuisance to them. Granted, not all kids think of it in such a way but even those that apparently play the role of a filial son were actually doing so for the sake of the property that they were confident would be passed down to them. It’s not that I’m saying doing so is entirely wrong, however, the intention here seems to be for the sake of getting a windfall rather than taking care of your ailing parents. More often than not, after paying for the funeral and other additional costs, the remaining money that they have will be lesser than expected.

Continue reading “The Parody of Death”

Kafka on the Shore – A Delightful Burst of Literary Pleasure

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Kafka on the Shore was my first book into the magnificent literary world created by Haruki Murakami. It is divided into two parts; the first part talks about Kafka Tomura, a fifteen-year-old on the run from his father, a famous sculptor who had cursed him with a gruesome prophecy, whereas the second part talks about Nakata, an aging old man with a knack for finding stray cats despite his handicapped mind and his ‘quest’ to find a particular elusive stone. These two parts converge in the middle – sort of – as both the protagonist move from Nakano Ward to Takamatsu around the same time, and despite the fact that the protagonists never met each other; they did come across elements that related to one and another.  Continue reading “Kafka on the Shore – A Delightful Burst of Literary Pleasure”

Ramblings of a Confused Mind

[Just a random blog post.]

When I try to think back what had happened before, in terms of my relationship, I feel a sharp pang of guilt. My previous relationship was short-lived and was with my childhood friend – someone whom I have loved since I was 11. And when we were figuring out if things will work out between us, I thought I should be the ‘bigger’ person and move on in case my lover felt that this was going nowhere and she needed things to come to an end. I told her I’d understand if she’d want to call it quits and that I’ll leave without a sound.

Oh, how I lied.

When she called it quit, not only didn’t I move on at all, I kept chasing after her still, begging to be accepted, to be seen, to be loved in return. It never crossed my mind then, that I was begging someone to love me. It never crossed my mind then, how sad and pathetic I must have looked like in her eyes.

While I would like to save whatever pride that I still had left, what use is pride when your heart is in tatters? So I kept going after her, kept professing my love for her, kept writing poetries in her name.

Yet for what was all of that?

It’s as if I had graduated from begging her to love to getting in her face to accept me.

She didn’t love me.

I had to accept that.

I still loved her, despite everything.

I had to accept that.

Loving her despite everything, even when she’s not present in my life had shown me that I’d always love her this way, and the price of loving unrequitedly is that you are doomed to live alone for the rest of your life since you are unwilling to consider someone else.

Which again, it’s sad.. but I have to accept this.

I came across an article recently that brought back all kinds of thoughts. The writer asked, “If I say please, will you linger to see what happens between us, once and for all? … If I say please, will you stay and ignore all the reasons why you shouldn’t?” The questions got me thinking, the questions got me feeling like saying the exact same thing to my lover.

If I say please, would you reconsider my love?

Honestly, I can’t say exactly why it went downhill. Though I can say it is in part hugely my own fault. I was never present, and well, I wouldn’t know what to do if I was as she was my first love and truthfully, I never knew how to be a lover. It would be apt to say I’m not a lover, couple, spouse material. Maybe I was just not meant to be loved.

Unrequitedly loving someone for the better part of your life also means not knowing how it would feel like to be loved in return by your lover. It means that you’d be living alone, and of course, die alone too.

The writer of the article talked about many things – I felt that she was trying to be poetic in her delivery. I felt a twinge of envy reading it; I was never good at being romantic (I never was) and well, I wish I was – at least when I had my chance.

I love the way the writer mentioned that she’s not asking to be loved in return, but just asking to be given time, a chance. The best part, however would be when she mentioned that she wanted a night to spend with her lover; just one night to learn how he breathes in his sleep. To me, that was the most intimate thing you can experience as a lover, and slowly and softly, I began wishing for the same as well.

Even though I’m trying my best not to beg, to allow my love for her to be free and unbounded by any, I wish I had the chance to be with her still. This article brought back memories; memories that lived deep within me still. And those memories brought hope with it as well, planting the seeds deep within me so that I can’t find them to get rid of them.

I wish I had all those chances and yet…

And yet..

It makes me wonder –

What do I do with it if I do get a chance?

I wasn’t suitable for her in the first place.

[Like I said, I was just doing a random blog post, scattering my thoughts into words, trying to understand the chasms of my mind and how it works in times like this..]

Toxicity Doesn’t Begets Toxicity ~ Loving the Victim of One

Pic Credit : http://cdn1.listovative.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/o-TOXIC-RELATIONSHIP-facebook.jpg
Pic Credit : http://cdn1.listovative.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/o-TOXIC-RELATIONSHIP-facebook.jpg

 

There are a lot of people out there that are either from an abusive family or had grown up in a toxic family. The truth is, it is pretty common these days and these people do not necessarily grow up to become their parents; there are many that turn out to be the complete opposite of their parents. The problem, however is when these people get into relationships.

I’m not speaking as an expert on this issue; these are mainly my observations. I have had many friends who are from a broken background; abused by the parents, are from dysfunctional families and also have toxic parents (either one or both of them). And when these people enter into relationships, their first instinct is to do the complete opposite of what they have witnessed during their upbringing.

Continue reading “Toxicity Doesn’t Begets Toxicity ~ Loving the Victim of One”

Loving Someone in a Modern Era

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Pic Credit: http://pedestriantv-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/images%2Farticle%2F2015%2F05%2F29%2Foitnb-piper-alex.jpg

 

I’ve always been against the idea of saying I have ‘fallen’ in love. Using a negative word such as ‘falling’ to describe the feeling of something that is supposed to be positive, well, seems to give out a wrong meaning altogether. After all, most dictionaries would define the notion of falling as “moving downward, typically rapidly and freely without control, from a higher to a lower level” or “losing balance and collapsing”. As we can see clearly, the usage of fall here denounces the feeling, making it seem more of a downfall, a mishap, a lowering of standing in life.

I would prefer to say I am in love, an affirmation of my feelings sends out an even more positive message compared to the notion of “falling in love”.

And though being in love is a common situation we find ourselves in, this modern-day era of relationships are littered with failures – it is as if people keep failing and have no clue on why they can’t keep the relationship from falling apart, from being stagnant and still. And though breakups do happen because of a clashing of personalities and financial reasons, to say that those reasons are the only causation of a breakup would just be another form of excuses.

Continue reading “Loving Someone in a Modern Era”