Fuck Empathy – When It’s About Loving You, I’m Fucking Selfish

Humility.

A word that speaks in volumes to me.

I always felt as if there are two sides to me – one is the one that is full of hope of happiness, that is filled with kindness and compassion, that is always after creating happiness, contributing the same to another despite how small it is. While the other is this bitter person, one that is filled with so much of sadness, of despair, of pain, of regret and of self-loathing.

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For You

To my lover,

This is something I wish to tell you about me.

To most, I come across as a simpleton and in a way, I am. Worldly things do not attract me – while I do have wants and needs, it’s mostly in the most simplistic way that is possible. Maybe I don’t dream big, but I do dream in colours – they’re my currency as you’ve said once before – and it’s you that’s in them for the large part of it.

At the same time, I am too intense – on bad days, I’m melodramatic (emphasis on the drama), moody, emotional, temperamental, irrational, anti-social.

On good days, I’m mischievous, playful, cheeky, a great listener.

Note how I have more bad than good?

Regardless of the days, I’m clingy, loyal, faithful, needy and very much, very very much in love with you.

Continue reading “For You”

Ramblings of a Confused Mind

[Just a random blog post.]

When I try to think back what had happened before, in terms of my relationship, I feel a sharp pang of guilt. My previous relationship was short-lived and was with my childhood friend – someone whom I have loved since I was 11. And when we were figuring out if things will work out between us, I thought I should be the ‘bigger’ person and move on in case my lover felt that this was going nowhere and she needed things to come to an end. I told her I’d understand if she’d want to call it quits and that I’ll leave without a sound.

Oh, how I lied.

When she called it quit, not only didn’t I move on at all, I kept chasing after her still, begging to be accepted, to be seen, to be loved in return. It never crossed my mind then, that I was begging someone to love me. It never crossed my mind then, how sad and pathetic I must have looked like in her eyes.

While I would like to save whatever pride that I still had left, what use is pride when your heart is in tatters? So I kept going after her, kept professing my love for her, kept writing poetries in her name.

Yet for what was all of that?

It’s as if I had graduated from begging her to love to getting in her face to accept me.

She didn’t love me.

I had to accept that.

I still loved her, despite everything.

I had to accept that.

Loving her despite everything, even when she’s not present in my life had shown me that I’d always love her this way, and the price of loving unrequitedly is that you are doomed to live alone for the rest of your life since you are unwilling to consider someone else.

Which again, it’s sad.. but I have to accept this.

I came across an article recently that brought back all kinds of thoughts. The writer asked, “If I say please, will you linger to see what happens between us, once and for all? … If I say please, will you stay and ignore all the reasons why you shouldn’t?” The questions got me thinking, the questions got me feeling like saying the exact same thing to my lover.

If I say please, would you reconsider my love?

Honestly, I can’t say exactly why it went downhill. Though I can say it is in part hugely my own fault. I was never present, and well, I wouldn’t know what to do if I was as she was my first love and truthfully, I never knew how to be a lover. It would be apt to say I’m not a lover, couple, spouse material. Maybe I was just not meant to be loved.

Unrequitedly loving someone for the better part of your life also means not knowing how it would feel like to be loved in return by your lover. It means that you’d be living alone, and of course, die alone too.

The writer of the article talked about many things – I felt that she was trying to be poetic in her delivery. I felt a twinge of envy reading it; I was never good at being romantic (I never was) and well, I wish I was – at least when I had my chance.

I love the way the writer mentioned that she’s not asking to be loved in return, but just asking to be given time, a chance. The best part, however would be when she mentioned that she wanted a night to spend with her lover; just one night to learn how he breathes in his sleep. To me, that was the most intimate thing you can experience as a lover, and slowly and softly, I began wishing for the same as well.

Even though I’m trying my best not to beg, to allow my love for her to be free and unbounded by any, I wish I had the chance to be with her still. This article brought back memories; memories that lived deep within me still. And those memories brought hope with it as well, planting the seeds deep within me so that I can’t find them to get rid of them.

I wish I had all those chances and yet…

And yet..

It makes me wonder –

What do I do with it if I do get a chance?

I wasn’t suitable for her in the first place.

[Like I said, I was just doing a random blog post, scattering my thoughts into words, trying to understand the chasms of my mind and how it works in times like this..]

A Lasting Kindness

Pic Credit on pic
Pic Credit on pic

 

Coming from a broken family, I always wondered why I was often hurt by people around me, more so when I did nothing wrong to begin with. Most of the time, I end up getting hurt by the one I love the most. I never made sense of that then; I still have yet to make sense of it now. If it was because of the expectations I placed on them, well then, it made no sense still as I rarely placed expectations on people as I know how burdening that could get. I always loved letting people be their true self and would only comment on something if I felt that their behaviour was detrimental not only to them but also to others around them.

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Doomed Relationships ~ A Devastating Realization

Pic Credit: http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/it-could-be-humanitys-oldest-story-of-doomed-love-archaeologists-have-picture-id110990291
Pic Credit: http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/it-could-be-humanitys-oldest-story-of-doomed-love-archaeologists-have-picture-id110990291

 

Recently, I find myself disturbed by the fallacy of people around me. While I do understand that certain ideology is impossible and is both hard to live up with and maintained at the same time in a cynical world such as ours, I find myself repulsed by the fact that every action that a person does for another seems to hinge on the ‘return of favour’ that they’re hoping to get someday. It’s as if no one does something for someone else on the notion of being kind or simply helpful.

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A Midsummer’s Night Dream Long Forgotten

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It’s been one whole year since you told me it’s over. I should probably give up by now. I should let go, forget that all these had happened and move on. I should – but I won’t.

I always knew things would be different with you, that my feelings for you would always be this chaotic. But this was the kind of chaos that I knew would accompany us – as you once said, this is the way we love; raw and passionate – even our arguments are full of passion and emotion. You came into my life at an age, a moment where innocence was all I had and innocence was all that I had to give.

You came into my life 17 years ago.

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