Despair (an old wound)

I woke up in the middle of the night,
sweating and gasping for air
as reality grabbed me by the throat
and tried to choke me in my sleep..

It’s been months now
but it’s still you that haunts my every waking moment
and my every sleepless nights..
And it hit me so damn hard
that I’d probably see you someday in the arms of another,
with the name of another, with the child of another..
The pain, the despair that that thought evoked –
oh, how do I explain the agony of it?
How do I begin to explain how it feels
to see you achieve all you’ve ever wanted
and know that it wasn’t with me?

Despair,
that one word doesn’t seem to do justice to my feelings..
How do I explain to you how it feels like
to be ripped into pieces, to be torched alive
and pummelled constantly even as my heart lifts at the sight of you,
at the sight of how happy you look?

To see you achieve our shared dreams
with another sends me to death once more;
as if the death that came
when I lost you back then
wasn’t enough..
I can’t bear this thought of mine becoming a reality
though I know it would
since the space beside and within me
has been empty of your presence
since months ago..
I still miss you..

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