Still Life (an old wound)

The coldness was
so familiar
that a little heat
blew me away.
It was so easy
being alone
that it became
difficult to be with someone.
Anger, hatred, quietness
were so in tandem
that their opposites
felt like harsh painful realities.

Sometimes I forget
what I’m going after.
Even when I finally remember
it seems weak,
seems so blur.
All the thoughts that
got planted
poisons the heart slowly;
changing its shape,
changing its colour.
And the poisoned heart
weighs heavily on the mind
so all thoughts go berserk,
all thoughts go black.

And with all these
darkness
and all this never-ending
chaos,
you came in
like a neon light,
shining so bright
causing so much fright.

For I wanted
the light now
yet I didn’t know how –
how to love, how to live.
Unchartered territories
unknown to me.

Then it struck
me –
it wasn’t the light
I yearned for.
It was you – only you.
Yet the more you
were exposed to me,
the dimmer your glow
became.
And so I realised
the toxicity of me
could be the death
of you.

And so I kept still –
to forget my wants.
For I rather be
in the dark
than have your light
snuffed out.

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