To my lover,
This is something I wish to tell you about me.
To most, I come across as a simpleton and in a way, I am. Worldly things do not attract me – while I do have wants and needs, it’s mostly in the most simplistic way that is possible. Maybe I don’t dream big, but I do dream in colours – they’re my currency as you’ve said once before – and it’s you that’s in them for the large part of it.
At the same time, I am too intense – on bad days, I’m melodramatic (emphasis on the drama), moody, emotional, temperamental, irrational, anti-social.
On good days, I’m mischievous, playful, cheeky, a great listener.
Note how I have more bad than good?
Regardless of the days, I’m clingy, loyal, faithful, needy and very much, very very much in love with you.
There are days that I’d wake up hating myself – more often than none. My self-loathing issues are still something I am dealing with. I am unused to love, to kindness, to warmth, to company. Yet, just glancing at my phone, seeing a text from you, would light me up instantly. Nothing has been a better pick me up than your name, your voice. And on days that I’m sleeping over for the night, waking up next to you have been the most blissful thing I’ve experienced in life.
Just looking at you, beside me, the soft peaceful look on your face, the faint blush on your cheeks, the slow rise and fall of your chest in sync with your breathing swamps me with a kind of love that I have no words to use to describe.
And your scent – oh, your scent. They surround me; trapping me, cushioning me, enslaving me, rendering me helpless yet powerful at the same time.
There are no words in my dictionary to describe how much I love and need you; how much I want you.
Our jokes might not seem funny to the world, but to me, regardless how cringe-worthy it is, the fact that I’m sharing it with you is enough to make it special. The talks we have, regardless how mundane, were something I looked forward to – the melody and rhythm of your voice are serenity to me. The things we do, we did, no matter how often I have done it before with someone else – with you, everything feels like it’s the first time, everything feels brand new.
You brought peace into my life, even though chaos was something that was very synonym with me. You were peace to me, even though every insecurity that besieged me like torrid waves kept me awake at night.
Of course I’d be insecure; you were the best part of life, what I look forward to and I was afraid of losing you.
And when I finally understood the chaotic nature of my life, when I finally accepted that my shortcomings were vast and various and needs addressing, you left.
I wish you had stayed; I wish you had understood me and seen my love and need for you.
I wanted to build a life with you, to link with you and move forward together and yet, I find myself at this devastating crossroad.
I have nothing to offer to you – I’m a wreck, a mess, a ball of chaotic emotions swirling and spilling all over – I’m being real honest here, I have literally nothing but myself, my emotional baggage and a kind of love that has your name written all over it to offer you.
And as daunting as that may sound, I love you – no matter what, that part of me would remain untouched – or perhaps, grow even more. Faithful to you, to my feelings, I await still – I have nowhere to go after all. This crossroad that I am at will go on for another 2 years – and there’s no way you’ll wait.
And even though I feel that way, I’d still like to ask – would you please wait for me? Would you please keep your heart untouched and untarnished by others – exclusively mine?
Would you love me?
Wishful thinking perhaps?
You wouldn’t read this, I know – my existence is gone from your atlas. But I wish, with all my might, that you’ll someday remember that there’s a being that is still hopelessly in love with you.
I needed to write this; I still need to write about you.I’m still trying to heal. Forgive me if it’s taking me too long to forget you – I can’t. I can’t seem to put a full stop. It’s still in semicolons for me at the moment.
Any kind of diversion did not work – you occupy a huge chunk of my mind and the entirety of my heart.
What do I do?
I don’t know when this happened, but you’ve been my direction, my balm, my joy in any and every season.
I love you, Princess.