An (Un)Acceptable Love

This is quite raw, even for my liking but to be honest, this wasn’t intended to be a poetry; more like the gushing out of emotions, the vomiting out of pain and anguish.

And I guess that’s what makes this one of my most personal poetry. 

 

What is okay and what is not?
A question for the ages perhaps?
Yet instead of giving me the solution to humanity’s biggest problem,
why not we deal with mine first instead?

This is a simple note to myself –
okay probably not so simple but a note nonetheless.
I am a dreamer, I am a moonchild.
For so long I desperately wanted someone to tell me that being so was okay,
but since when do we need authentication from someone else to be ourselves?

I’ve learnt that the hard way truth be told
yet now I’m glad that I’ve finally figured out what’s okay and what’s not.
I am a moonchild;
my head is often in the clouds.
And it’s okay to be one –
it’s okay to constantly dream of fantasies and love and the bridge in between.
What’s not okay is to let that dream stay a dream – for you see,
I have a need to make it come true so desperately.

I am often lost in space,
my eyes rooted at one corner while my brain
and mind travels around the world in less than a minute.
My mind goes off like this too frequent in a day,
and it’s okay;
it’s okay for it to take a vacation more than once a day
as long as it comes back and be present when it is needed.
It’s okay for me to doodle about absolute strangers and use them as my muse
as long as I don’t use them as a motive for vendetta or abuse.

It’s okay for me to laze around and procrastinate
because I’m not actually procrastinating,
I’m just off on my vacation once more..
What’s not okay is letting the ideas I get sit around
instead of committing it to a paper like I would have normally.

I love fiercely and without boundaries,
I simply have no limitations to the amount I poured out.
Not that I think I need one,
this was something I’m sure it’s okay to do..
But what’s not okay is to take advantage of this heart of mine
just because you can, just because you want to,
just because you find it fun to destroy me bit by bit.

It’s okay for me to love you still
even when you had broken me to pieces
for showing kindness even in moments of intense agony
is a sign of strength …. isn’t it?
It’s also okay if I want to rage on about you
for intense agony means intense suffering
and if I can’t show kindness because I’m bleeding inside.
I need to find a method of release
so that this does not fester in me,
so that this does not kill me.

But it’s never okay not to apologise afterwards.
It’s never okay not to admit,
for you don’t have a say on how I feel.
So if I’m hurt by you,
just say sorry and walk away –
say sorry and walk away!

For that’s what you’re good at..

And that’s okay too
for I’ve come to realise not everyone is built the same way as I am.
And I’m okay with that –
I’m okay with loving you still
even though we’re so vastly unlike each other..

No, no!
It’s not okay for me to crave you still.
it’s not okay for me to paint you as my saviour
for you never were.
You were never sent to save me.
I try to remind myself that it’s not okay to think in such a way.
So when I reached for that blade once again
and for those pills,
I try to remind myself it’s not okay to be this way,
while it’s okay to be weak and just lie down and give in once in a while,
it’s still not okay to let myself be consumed and eroded
completely, utterly into nothingness.

It’s okay for me to break down now
after vomiting all these words
for I’ve come to realise that I am still not over you..
But it’s not okay for me to still feel this way
when you’ve long moved on
while I’m still stuck on this page about us..
At least that’s what I think – that you’ve moved on.

I am not okay without you here –
I am not okay without you here..
But I’m trying to be okay with your absence..

I’m trying to forgive myself and be okay with loving you still.
I’m trying to be okay with loving you still.

Because
I doubt very much
that there is someone out there
that knows what’s okay and what is not.

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