Ramblings of a Confused Mind

[Just a random blog post.]

When I try to think back what had happened before, in terms of my relationship, I feel a sharp pang of guilt. My previous relationship was short-lived and was with my childhood friend – someone whom I have loved since I was 11. And when we were figuring out if things will work out between us, I thought I should be the ‘bigger’ person and move on in case my lover felt that this was going nowhere and she needed things to come to an end. I told her I’d understand if she’d want to call it quits and that I’ll leave without a sound.

Oh, how I lied.

When she called it quit, not only didn’t I move on at all, I kept chasing after her still, begging to be accepted, to be seen, to be loved in return. It never crossed my mind then, that I was begging someone to love me. It never crossed my mind then, how sad and pathetic I must have looked like in her eyes.

While I would like to save whatever pride that I still had left, what use is pride when your heart is in tatters? So I kept going after her, kept professing my love for her, kept writing poetries in her name.

Yet for what was all of that?

It’s as if I had graduated from begging her to love to getting in her face to accept me.

She didn’t love me.

I had to accept that.

I still loved her, despite everything.

I had to accept that.

Loving her despite everything, even when she’s not present in my life had shown me that I’d always love her this way, and the price of loving unrequitedly is that you are doomed to live alone for the rest of your life since you are unwilling to consider someone else.

Which again, it’s sad.. but I have to accept this.

I came across an article recently that brought back all kinds of thoughts. The writer asked, “If I say please, will you linger to see what happens between us, once and for all? … If I say please, will you stay and ignore all the reasons why you shouldn’t?” The questions got me thinking, the questions got me feeling like saying the exact same thing to my lover.

If I say please, would you reconsider my love?

Honestly, I can’t say exactly why it went downhill. Though I can say it is in part hugely my own fault. I was never present, and well, I wouldn’t know what to do if I was as she was my first love and truthfully, I never knew how to be a lover. It would be apt to say I’m not a lover, couple, spouse material. Maybe I was just not meant to be loved.

Unrequitedly loving someone for the better part of your life also means not knowing how it would feel like to be loved in return by your lover. It means that you’d be living alone, and of course, die alone too.

The writer of the article talked about many things – I felt that she was trying to be poetic in her delivery. I felt a twinge of envy reading it; I was never good at being romantic (I never was) and well, I wish I was – at least when I had my chance.

I love the way the writer mentioned that she’s not asking to be loved in return, but just asking to be given time, a chance. The best part, however would be when she mentioned that she wanted a night to spend with her lover; just one night to learn how he breathes in his sleep. To me, that was the most intimate thing you can experience as a lover, and slowly and softly, I began wishing for the same as well.

Even though I’m trying my best not to beg, to allow my love for her to be free and unbounded by any, I wish I had the chance to be with her still. This article brought back memories; memories that lived deep within me still. And those memories brought hope with it as well, planting the seeds deep within me so that I can’t find them to get rid of them.

I wish I had all those chances and yet…

And yet..

It makes me wonder –

What do I do with it if I do get a chance?

I wasn’t suitable for her in the first place.

[Like I said, I was just doing a random blog post, scattering my thoughts into words, trying to understand the chasms of my mind and how it works in times like this..]

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