It’s been one whole year since you told me it’s over. I should probably give up by now. I should let go, forget that all these had happened and move on. I should – but I won’t.
I always knew things would be different with you, that my feelings for you would always be this chaotic. But this was the kind of chaos that I knew would accompany us – as you once said, this is the way we love; raw and passionate – even our arguments are full of passion and emotion. You came into my life at an age, a moment where innocence was all I had and innocence was all that I had to give.
You came into my life 17 years ago.
And the moment I set my eyes on you, the moment I saw you, it was like a switch going on/off inside of me – a sudden click, a sudden yearning of wanting to know you.
I knew then you would be trouble – but the kind of trouble I would never mind getting involved with, the kind of trouble that brought not problems but happiness instead.
To say I was lost would be an understatement but to say you gave me the direction that I needed would also be an exaggeration as well. Truth be told, I am still very much being pulled and pushed by the currents of life and am nowhere close to finding that safe, cluster-free path to walk on.
Meeting you a year ago put everything into perspective. Every time something happened, regardless how insignificant it was, regardless if it was something happy or sad, I wanted so much to share it with you. Only with you.
Loving you changed me, but it did not change my being; it enriched me with insights and knowledge that I did not know I needed to have before. Your love, your affection and the time we spent together? – how the hell do I get over it?
It would probably be easier all around if I forgot you and moved on – but no, I can’t. I don’t want to; why should I? You’re always going to be my only love. The first time we kissed, I knew – there was no one else I wanted to be with besides you. If it wasn’t you, then there’ll be no one else. I pushed everything aside the last time you left me – it took me almost 3 years to forget that I loved you so much and to try to think of you as just a friend – it didn’t work out but at least then I managed to go on with life without thinking of you constantly as before; as I am now..
I wonder how long it’ll take me to forget this love I have for you this time around..
I shouldn’t have let you lead; I should have walked together with you. That was the very first mistake I did. I wasn’t myself, I did everything the way I thought you wanted it to be – thinking if I did it that way, it would please you, and yet in the end, I lost my identity, I lost myself..
A year ago, when I gave you our promise ring, it was on the 31st of May. And though you asked me not to propose, not to say anything, you looked like you loved the ring. I saw the look on your face – it was pure stunned pleasure. You couldn’t stop looking at it, I tried not to make you notice that I was watching you but I did.. The next day, as you drove me home, you kept seeing how it looked like in the light, how it looked like on your finger.. The fact that you were upset that we didn’t get matching rings only makes me feel I didn’t made it up all in my head, that I didn’t imagine it.
I gave you the ring on a day where we had so much of misunderstandings in the morning – it was just a day after I opened up my story, how I had confessed to you as a twelve year old. Sometimes the past is easily forgotten but it isn’t so for me when it concerns you.
It almost never is forgotten when it concerns you.
I… feel so cold at the moment.. The harshness of your rejection hurts so badly; so deep that I’m often left in a puddle of mess that is my emotions. I don’t understand – I wish you had tell me why you were leaving, I wish you had not just ‘ghosted’ from my life. I wish… I wish so much for you to have just confided with me what was going on in your mind – what was the reason that made you wanna leave. I try to dissect, I try to figure out what happened but I’m just lost. We had a talk about the future once again and this time, with some sort of optimism, and then, 12 hours later, you just stopped messaging me.
Being ghosted hurts so bad, I can’t even begin to explain – it’s as if I didn’t deserve an explanation – it’s as if I didn’t matter at all to you for you to feel the need to tell me that you were leaving – or why you were leaving. In the end, it felt like my love had no significant meaning to you – I was just your fangirl on the sidelines..
I bet you get that a lot – admirers, fan girls, fan boys – I’m just one of the lot, I suppose.. It saddens me – that what is so precious to me – this love that I have for you – is as insignificant as dirt..
And though I hurt still … I love still as well…
It’s hard to walk away from someone like you – someone who in my mind is special, someone who is wonderfully unique and amazing in her every essence. And I’m not trying to burden you with unwanted expectations – I do not have any expectations on how you should be, the only expectation would be my want of you to be your original self.
I wonder at times, is it okay not to give up, not to get over you?
And well, why the hell not?
Though it’s been tough and difficult to revert back to my old self, as if I never had the chance to love you, that’s what I’m trying to do. To go on back to loving you in silence.
Because it’s the choice I’ve made.
Loving you – continuously is the choice I made as a twelve year old – a choice I’m still keeping close to my heart.
Though I may look like a fool, though I may seem foolish to wait for someone who has repeatedly say she wishes she had never been with me, who said I’m her biggest mistake, I don’t see how I could live my life any other way. How can I erase something I have felt for so long so easily?
They say time heals – but why do I feel that with time, my love for you grows?
Circumstances have made it such where I have become unwanted, undesirable – unloved but why should I apply it onto you just because I’m being viewed in such a way? I might be insignificant to you, but my feelings aren’t to me.. I know you don’t owe me to love me back just because I happen to love you too, but it’s not about giving up, it is not about moving on – it is about staying true to my heart, staying true to my life. It’s about accepting myself the way I am and the feelings that I have.
It is not about our physical chemistry, it is not about how I can’t seem to keep my hands off you or how you can’t seem to get enough of me – it is about how you have made me feel for you, it is about how strong you have made me feel for you and only you. It is about how I can’t seem to look at any other with that gaze except you. It is about how when I think of love, you immediately pop into mind, as if the definition of love was you, your name.
I have been feeling this way long enough to know it would not change – to know it is going to be a constant for the rest of my life. I sometimes resent this, I resent the fact that I need you so much yet you seem perfectly fine with being without me. Yet even then I know, that my feelings are mine, that it does not mean yours will mirror mine. Even then I know, that this is something I had chosen myself. I have nothing of you – just memories and a playlist of songs that triggers more memories of you.
I understand that this is how it is. That there might not be a future for a ‘you and me together forever’. That the past might be all that I’ll ever have had with you. I admit, there were too many promises and so little actions on my part – it still is.
All I have are words to give you; I’ve always had just words, which my chaotic self often use to bring destruction to us. In my moments of pain, I might have said words that had hurt you, I might have said things that were untrue. All I can do is apologize for all of those; I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to paint any sort of picture that deviated from reality. And I know the fault is with me – it always have been, yet it’s still you that filled my view, that filled my dreams and fantasy, that filled my heart to an extent no one else could even sneak in a little.
It has always been you that I turn to reach out to – all the time.
Though I’m non-existent now in your life, in mine, you are still pretty much the centre of everything. I can’t imagine my life without you as most of it has been coloured with your hues up until now. Our colours mesh so well, our hues creating an image, a painting that is so aesthetically pleasing to my senses.
How do I move on from all these?
I admit, I did keep rejecting you before – but, can you put yourself in my shoes for a lil’ while? Imagine wanting, needing something for so long and suddenly find yourself being offered the very thing you wanted – out of nowhere. I said no first because I felt it was too good to be true – but, I couldn’t stand it; every rejection I did was hurting me too. Felt like I was betraying my heart.
I loved you still then. I love you still now.
And I know my mistake, you were going through a heartbreak and I did nothing to lessen it – I made it worse. I was callous, I was selfish. I am really sorry for that. I was so afraid with the way things were progressing, with the way you were distancing yourself from me, that I started pressuring you. I didn’t mean to. I was worried that I’d lose you, which made me do all that, which of course made me lose you still.
You sent to me this once, not knowing how much it mirrored my feelings for you. And yet, though hearing them in movies sounds romantic to you, hearing them from me might not be something you want to.
Eliza Graves: You act like I’m some precious thing to be bartered or put on display or possessed.
Edward Newgate: It’s not like that with me, Eliza.
Eliza Graves: No? How is it different?
Edward Newgate: It’s you who possesses me.
Maybe someday you’ll want to see me, talk to me, and hear my voice once again. Maybe someday you’ll want to say ‘hello’ instead of ‘goodbye’. As the song by Dodie Clark goes, “she means everything to me…” so maybe someday I’d hear those three words from you once again, even though I know to you I probably “… mean nothing at all..”
A woman can hope, can’t I?
Until we meet again, I’ll be missing you, sayang..