There are a lot of people out there that are either from an abusive family or had grown up in a toxic family. The truth is, it is pretty common these days and these people do not necessarily grow up to become their parents; there are many that turn out to be the complete opposite of their parents. The problem, however is when these people get into relationships.
I’m not speaking as an expert on this issue; these are mainly my observations. I have had many friends who are from a broken background; abused by the parents, are from dysfunctional families and also have toxic parents (either one or both of them). And when these people enter into relationships, their first instinct is to do the complete opposite of what they have witnessed during their upbringing.
Wanting to be the complete opposite of what they had witnessed as a child or teenager is normal as they know that their parents did not set the proper standard on how a relationship should be and so they want to ensure that their own relationship works out well. Hence, they would try hard to ensure that the relationship that they are in is a kind of relationship that is open, fun and full of love. They would shower you with a kind of love that is so intense from the get-go that you would wonder why are they taking everything so serious in a short period of time.
However, one vital thing that we have to understand is that these people are often convinced that relationships do not last long. I mean, as a child, you would assume that no matter what happens, you will always have your parents with you, right? Imagine then that very parent chooses to hurt you, harm you either physically or mentally or even emotionally. You would question everything – even to a point of wondering if anything is wrong with you as the very person who was supposed to love you unconditionally ended up hurting you in such a way.
And without knowing, they carry this scar with them into future relationships – “if my parents who were supposed to love me no matter what could hate me and hurt me in such a way, what makes this person special and unique, what makes it so that this person wouldn’t hurt me as well?”
On the other side, a person with such a past would lavish you with a kind of love that you might feel unfathomable. This is because they know how it is like when you are not loved, how it is like when all you could feel is emptiness – they would ensure that they do not inflict the same kind of feelings that they had back then onto you right now. The fact that they feel so deeply about this also makes them scared of love.
The fear of being abandoned once again is so strong that sometimes, these people unknowingly (also sometimes intentionally) reject and push love away. The moment they start feeling safe with you is the moment that they would start questioning why they feel so and whether you might be playing a game that they aren’t aware of. They find it difficult to share these thoughts with you, either for the fear of being seen weak, or in fear of relishing control. Letting someone in means allowing someone else the power to hurt them – once again.
These people appear tough but not entirely – their fragile hearts can be seen if you look closely. It is hard for them to hide their feelings and emotion well; even if it’s not on the surface, it would be clear enough to be seen by someone who truly loves or cares for them, someone who knows just where to look. These people are not complicated; they are just fragile, their broken pieces glued together, and would appear whole in the eyes of someone who would know how to treasure them well.
They carry scars alright, but not all scars are permanent, and those that are would stop hurting eventually with the right treatment. Love is a powerful medicine and with the right dose, can heal wounds that goes in deeper than most. Obtaining the trust of this kind of person is special; once you’re in, you’re forever there.
The fact that their upbringing was such makes it appear as if they are difficult to love. In some ways, it is difficult; however, the difficulty is not because they are difficult; it is difficult to love them as they are convinced that no one else would love them – seeing as their parents couldn’t when they should have. Never give up on them – if you truly love them, stay with them, and be patient and sincere. Love isn’t easy, but it isn’t hard as well.
Sincerity goes hand in hand with love too. Be sincere in loving them.