Meeting up with KeongSi (not her real name) a couple of weeks ago for our regular ‘teh tarik’ session, we both stood out like sore thumbs; me in my neon pink t-shirt and she in her green tank top. And it was interesting as it was only a couple days before that I spoke to her about losing our ‘colours’ in life.
During a particular conversation, I mentioned to KeongSi that I felt like she’s losing her identity in her relationship, to which she asked, “What do you mean?”
“All I see is your boyfriend’s colours. Red, yellow and orange hues. Where are yours? Where is the turquoise, the cyan, the magenta and fuchsia?”
She looked at me in confusion, totally dumbfounded as to what I was trying to say.
Well, KeongSi is someone who is quite eccentric, deep and well, eclectic as well (which was why we both gel well) and yet, ever since she confessed to her boyfriend about her affair, she has been playing under his rule in order to win back his trust and affection (though in reality, they are officially no longer together; he identifies himself as single).
In the midst of trying to win back his trust and affection, she has somehow lost herself. Or, that was the observation I gathered from the time we had spent hanging out at coffee shops for the past four months or so.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like you’re living your life. It’s as if you’re doing everything based on what he’s planning. You seem to limit yourself too much in fear of what he might say – in fear of his usual ‘mansplaining’/brushing-you-off habit. It’s like everything you do is a reflection of him.”
She nodded, finally understanding what I was trying to say.
“Why do you say his hue is orange, red and yellow?”
And I sat back, wondering why I felt that his colours were such. Honestly, I was awful in those compulsory art classes that I had to take in high school and KeongSi was the artist here, the designer. What did I know about colours?
“I don’t know. Every time you talk about him, that’s the image that fills my mind – a clashing colours of red, yellow and orange. It’s as if he’s a kind of person who is often filled with fire – he easily dismisses ideas that aren’t in line with his, he seems to be in a constant cranky mood, ‘macam asyik panas ajer’ (always in a ‘fiery’ mood).“
“And why is mine turquoise? Just because I like it?” she mused.
“Well, not really. It’s the colour I get when I think of you. All these fluorescent-ish ones but it’s like a light mixture of cold and warmth. Turquoise, magenta, cyan and fuchsia. The kind of colours that you are attracted to but also the kind of colour that you vibrate.”
“What about you and your amoi?” she asked.
“Well, I’ve always seen myself as purple. The whole family of it. Purple, violet, lilac.”
“All those cool colours?”
“Well, not all. Just those that are in the purple family. Well, that was then. Now, after she left, I’m more like purple and grey. I’ve always seen her as a mixture of grey, black and white. With an occasionally odd influx of pink or light blue.”
“Huh, itu macam pun boleh kah?”
“Well, she’s such – in my mind that is. She’s always black and white but she forgets that there are also grey areas; she forgets it, she tries not to think about it but we all indulge in the grey area once in a while. Grey suits her more – the pink and the light blue are rare occasions but it do happen. I would say the pink comes out when she’s vulnerable in my presence – when she’s vulnerable but in front of others, she hides it so well, so it’s mostly a bit of a lighter shade of grey tinged with a pinkish sort of red.”
KeongSi shakes her head.
“God, you’re so observant. I’m usually oblivious to my surroundings.”
“Yeah, I know.” (Before we met that day, I stood beside her car as she drove into the parking space and took her sweet time coming out – it was then I realized she didn’t notice me standing at the side of her car)
“I think everyone has their own colours; it’s just that we hardly notice it. And well, if we do, we would know what changes are occurring within them and how our colours changes to match theirs reflects ourselves too. For example, when I was with my amoi, my shades of purple were lighter – I became lilac as I didn’t want to be dominant with her, I let down my guard. And as a result, her usual grey streak sometimes turned black as she felt like she had to lead, take charge you know? But then again, she has the tendency and the need to be in control, so I suppose I let her be in charge as well. Of course, this is my observation – I could be completely wrong you know.”
“I know I’ve been letting him take control.”
“Yeah, I can see that but is it worth it? Letting all those red, yellow and orange surround you and dominate you? I mean, I’m just worried that someday you’d turn around and look back and all you’d see is red, orange and yellow and you’d wonder what happened to the turquoise you loved so dearly.”
“I know but I’m just scared that he’d leave.”
“What’s better, being with him but losing yourself or losing him but being you?”
“You’re right but still… Entahlah, I don’t think I can talk to him about all this yet; he would just brush it off or say I’m overthinking, over-reading.”
I think KeongSi was surprise at this particular topic; our deep conversations never went down to this route before. We tended to stay away from topics that are too psychological, though we’re both in separate battles against narcissists at the moment.
I believe everyone has their own shade of colour. Even the most boring person or the most popular one would have their own kind of hue. And I’m not talking about this from a psychological point of view – my view on this is solely based on my intuition.
I’m an emotional sponge – I tend to sponge people’s emotions. And I am unsure if it’s because of that trait or in spite of it, I am also quite intuitive. My intuition about a particular person is rarely wrong (I have yet to encounter a complete wrong reading of a person) yet at the same time, I wouldn’t say that I am a hundred percent right. For example, I can never believe what my intuition says about the person I’m in love with as my emotions comes in the way of my intuition, making me doubt my intuitive senses when it’s pertaining about her.
I believe everyone has a capability of sensing a person’s colour and understanding it; it’s just that most of them do not sharpen this ability of theirs as they do not choose to believe in it. In a modern world such as ours, we prefer to believe that science has an answer for everything – to an extent of doubting our own ability and understanding in favour of ‘scientific discoveries’; a kind of discovery that we did not experience first-hand, unlike the events that happens to us personally.
Nevertheless, we mustn’t forget that despite the emergence of science as the potential cheat/guide book to the spectacle that is known as life, there are some matters that science cannot help to explain to us. For example, we can never fully attribute a person’s personality and makeup to his parents’ genetic setup as sometimes we undergo a personality change, in which our regular behaviour and conduit is replaced by a different kind of behaviour as we grow older. We are beings that are constantly evolving, therefore our makeup is also constantly evolving as well.
KeongSi and I wore clashing outfits on that day – my neon pink t-shirt and her green tank top certainly was too flashy at that restaurant – a regular haunt for most Indian immigrants living near my place. We were unintentionally attracting attention.
Sometimes this kind of occurance provide a much more valuable life lesson than what you can read in books, than what you were told to expect and be ready to face in real life.
As I previously mentioned, KeongSi’s hues and mine are miles apart, even though our characteristics and liking mesh well. And this makes me wonder, there might be some truth in the old adage, “Opposites attracts,” after all. This could explain then why KeongSi and her boyfriend have been together for years even though they did not share even one single common interest or liking.
I’ll probably do more research on this and come up with a solid, opinionated article someday, one that is more academically sound but at this moment, these are my thoughts, my personally understanding of people and their colours (or aura/energy as some might call it).