It’s Valentine’s Day – a year already? and there I was, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to beat off the cold that was sweeping through. On Facebook, Instagram – you name it, there were already thousands of pictures up – of couples, of lovers, of one night stands, of pity hook-ups, of breakups even. Why was I alone again?
Oh yeah – I wasn’t good enough.
I remember the year before – when I celebrated my first, well on the 15th to be exact. It was…wonderful. Well, it started off quite badly as I made things worse with my lover once again (those damn self-destructive tendencies once again) but at least she loved her gift. (I wonder what happened to it now)
Cue the phone all of a sudden.
“Dei, you awake?”
“Obviously, what’s up?”
“I think he’s has someone else.”
I grimaced. Not again.
“Are you sure? Why do you think such?”
“He didn’t wish me.”
I glanced at the clock. It was just shy of 12.30. Poor guy must’ve fallen asleep.
“Are you sure he’s not just asleep? Don’t think too much about it laa.”
“I don’t know, I just get the feeling you know..”
I sighed internally.
The same kind of dialogue that I had been hearing since December. She seems completely oblivious that she was the one who pushed him away the first place. And that brings me to my current dilemma.
Researching for materials to write these days are quite easy – just randomly visit a teenager’s Facebook and you’ll find all kinds of interesting materials that you can expand on. Yet I’m dumbfounded as to why many people my age are behaving like teenagers. Real love now seems to be measured based by the other’s bank balance instead of actual love.
I get it – the honeymoon period only lasts a few months, if you’re lucky, years. But after a while, that lovey dovey, intense, passionate love will die off. I understand that – this is where the fact that love is a choice, not something that blindly happens comes to play.
We choose to stay in love AFTER the blinders are gone – after the honeymoon period is over, after the other’s imperfection is known and seen personally. That’s love, isn’t it? A Choice made with awareness?
So how can you be in a relationship simply because of his bank balance when in the end of the day, you’re going to complain about his loyalty – when you have an ulterior motive yourself?
“Dude, I don’t think he’s cheating on you. I think he’s just asleep. Wait ‘till morning and see.”
“Okay… but I still feel he’s having someone else. Do you know how crappy it is to spend VDay all alone?”
I glanced at the empty space beside me and felt my aching heart break a lil’ more. Last year’s Valentine’s Day card that she gave me was on my lap, a painful yet sweet reminder.
“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry, he’s crazy over you.”
“I hope so.”
“He called. He overslept yesterday.”
“Pig. I told you he’ll call you.”
She laughed sheepishly.
“Why do you do this to him? You know what kind of a person he is yet you don’t trust him. I get it, he’s not educated, he barely manages to keep his job, yet he loves you so much. You can see it when he looks at you. So why do you play these kind of games – you always play tug and war with him and when he disappears a while, you panic.”
“I know he’ll be a good husband.”
“But do you even love him? Why are you with him in the first place?”
“Okay, tell me this. Why you chose him in the first place? What made you fell for him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Wait, you tell me now, what made you fell for her then?”
I blinked. Why did I fell for her?
“That’s easy. Her smile, the way it comes out so genuinely. Her eyes, the way it twinkles whenever she’s happy and especially when she’s laughing. And then her heart, the softness of it that she hides so well.”
“Hmm…. I see.. You should forget her and move on, you know.”
I laughed hysterically. First it was about her soon-to-be-doomed relationship and now it was about me. When was I complaining anyways?
“It’s fine, dude. Gotta go, I’ll text you later.”
Believe it or not, this was the fourth conversation with a fourth person that I was having since the turn of the year. It’s as if everyone has a lover, that they’re with simply because it suits their image in real world. Where’s love then? Why am I stupid or foolish to believe in love still?
Of course, I know love doesn’t feed an empty belly or clothe you yet the warmth of it, the glow it puts in you is irreplaceable. Nothing can compare with love, the strength it gives you. Love makes you feel like David ready to take on thousands of Goliath – as long as your lover believes in you.
My idea of love – someone who you can move forward with. As equals. Paycheck, bank balances, properties shouldn’t matter in the beginning – we can work together to achieve it, we can work to prepare it for our lover – build a life where we can achieve it together – not find someone who already has all the boxes ticked. Love should be the building of a future for two people who genuinely liked, loved and cared for one another – two people who are different but working towards a certain kind of common goal – a life together, a house filled with love and laughter, a kind of uncomplicated, conflict-free, and friendly kind of life.
Now that shouldn’t be hard to achieve right – even if you’re not a millionaire? I know I’m willing to work hard to prepare all that for my lover – no problem whatsoever. But hell, I’ll never actively pursue or be with someone ONLY after knowing their credit history – sorry, I don’t endorse your thinking buddy.. That’s just too cold and calculative and EMPTY for me..